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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

Posted By ashleycakes on Mar 23, 2009 at 7:19AM

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ' I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

The Twilight Before Christmas

Posted By ashleycakes on Dec 15, 2008 at 7:38AM

The Twilight Before Christmas

And for anyone who has actually seen the movie and was as disappointed as I wasthis is for you. :rotfl:

Tagged with: Twilight

Profound thoughts

Posted By ashleycakes on Sep 2, 2008 at 8:14PM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss-off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. :rotfl:

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass..... then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Tagged with: profound thoughts

Bad day at Hallmark

Posted By ashleycakes on Aug 14, 2008 at 12:52PM

Some funny would-be greeting cards from a Hallmark employee having a bad day...

1. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

2. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

3. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

4. How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

5. I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

6. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

7. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

8. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

9. I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

Tagged with: Funny shizz

Check me out!

Posted By ashleycakes on Aug 9, 2008 at 10:55AM

http://teamsugar.com/group/212775/blog/1854469

:medal:

This was nearly the death of me last night. :faint:

Check me out!

Posted By ashleycakes on Jul 16, 2008 at 5:19PM

My monkey making skills. :medal:

Tagged with: Cake Decorating

OMG, this baby is cracking me up!!

Posted By ashleycakes on Jul 9, 2008 at 8:55AM
Tagged with: stink eye baby

Excerpt from "When You Are Engulfed in Flames" by David Sedaris

Posted By ashleycakes on Jun 27, 2008 at 7:49AM

David Sedaris reads from his new book, "When you are engulfed in flames". This particular excerpt of the book is about when he and his boyfriend moved to Tokyo in an effort for David to quit smoking. I just finished reading this book a couple of weeks ago and I found it to be, much like all of his other books, very enjoyable. I love when he reads his own stories though, it gives me so much more insight into the story than to just read the words yourself. Anyway, here he is reading on NPR, check it out if you like to laugh, I think you will find it very enjoyable!
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91814075

Tagged with: David Sedaris

Yay!

Posted By ashleycakes on Jun 5, 2008 at 6:50AM

So apparently the new David Sedaris book came out sometime within the past 5 days and I somehow forgot about it until my mother sent me an email about it this morning, and a link to an excerpt of the book on the Border's website. Oh. My. God. I DIED laughing, I just love him. He is really funny, but also describes slightly disgusting things in a way where you can really imagine what he is talking about. If you like him, check it out, and then go buy the book, he is freaking hilarious. If you don't like him, go check him out and also buy the book because you will not be disappointed if you like witty humor about everyday things.

Here is a video of him reading a short essay on David Letterman regarding the "stadium pal". I hope you enjoy it!

Tagged with: David Sedaris

The Necklace

Posted By ashleycakes on May 11, 2008 at 10:25AM

**Sorry to drag this old thing out again, but I had to go back and make this public so that I could demonstrate a point in another post.**

So I was able to take some pictures of the necklace I was talking about in Sticky's blog last week this weekend. It belongs to my mother-in-law, and I wore it as my "something blue" on my wedding day. The necklace has 55 of what looks like to me maybe 3/4 or 1 full caret each blue sapphires. The sapphires are separated by two maybe 1/8 caret diamond clusters around each sapphire, totalling around 108 diamonds. Needless to say, this thing is absolutely GORGEOUS, and these pictures do it no justice. It just sparkles in person so much more than in these pictures.
Enjoy!
Please disregard the disgusting lawn chair it is sitting on.Please disregard the disgusting lawn chair it is sitting on.

An up close view, beautiful!!An up close view, beautiful!!

A view on my decidedly weird looking neck.A view on my decidedly weird looking neck.